Fifteen. Even the word now strikes fear into my heart.
That year.
Awful. Awful.
I have come to realise through my work ( as a spiritual support person) that I am not the only mother who has gone through the '15 year old blues' with a teenage daughter, and through this experience I am here to tell you that it can be done, even though the going at times is rough.
I feel 15 is hard because it heralds an age 'in between'.
In between child and adult, in between dependance and independance.
It is an age where really, the child is still a child and yet exposed to the adult expections and temptations of life.
They are what I call 'teenstrangers'.
From what I have learned, kids this age either 'act out' or they 'go in'- and either of these scenerios can cause disruption, turmoil and pain.
I have a beautiful daughter, who for now at 21, the horrible '15 year' is only a bad memory, and yet in many ways, it was a year that defined aspects of her personality and defined aspects of our relationship .
She became very dark, very focused on the dark aspects of life and led a very insular life that revolved around her room and school.
Friends departed, as did good humour and open speech.
Nirvana entered the scene as did the colour black and Doc Martins boots.
Still, Everything was quiet, all the time, and when occasionally the silence burst, the outpouring was pure anguish and pain.
Being a mother, I walked this path with her as much as i could, as much as i was allowed.
I spent evenings writing in my journal asking ' what have i done wrong?' 'how can i make her happy?' etc.
It didnt occur to me then that I couldnt- that i couldnt make things right for her, but when it did, when realisation finally hit me, i decided to revert back to my original 'plan' ( for want of a better word) of child rearing which is, quite simply, 'love and boundaries'.
Somewhere along the line I had lost this and was immersed in a world of love and guilt - mine and her's.
Reasserting this plan, ofcourse caused upheavel, however it was temporary upheavel, while the adjustment took place.
Miss 15 needed to realise that some of her behaviour was NOT Acceptable- I needed to know that the boundaries had changed and that flexibility was the key here.
We needed to meet in the middle and we did- Im not saying it took the stress away, but it did allow me to see it as it was and not as I was imagining it to be, which was as the end of the world.
I am now facing 15 again, this time with second child who interestingly enough is a boy.
I am getting a chance to see it from both angles, however, I am now armed with wisdom and the 'love and boundaries' policy is firmly in place.
He doesnt get the chance to make me feel guilty and i dont get the chance to make him feel strange.
So, its six years on now and it's true, the days of 15 seem a long time ago, happening to another person.
Daughter is strong, independent, working, studying, in a wonderful realtionship and most importantly, loves her mother. She laughs alot, smiles alot and has incredible social skills yet she still loves black and Kurt Cobain.
It was tough going for a while there and from the amount of women I work with, I see that in no way is my family the only one turned on its tail by teenage dramas.
However, I also see that change of any description doesnt need to be painful and seperating as i once envisioned it to be.
It just has to work both ways.
Love and boundaries.
Give the love and set the boundaries but know that your teenager will be doing the same thing and that often the boundaries will differ depending on perception.
Love and boundaries.
Give the love and RESPECT the boundaries.
And hold on........you are in for quite a ride !
