Miscarriage- Real Loss, Real Grief

My name is Ellen DuBois, and I'm here to say miscarriage is a very real loss, with very real grief associated with it.

For years, people in general, have had a dismissive attitude towards miscarriage. It seemed because there was never a baby held, there was never a baby loved.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Having suffered a miscarriage some sixteen years ago, I know the feeling of walking a road full of emotional ups and downs, with very little support. After my miscarriage, I felt like the rug had been ripped out from under my feet, and there was nowhere to turn.

Yes, my family and friends were there to lend support. I knew they loved me and didn't like seeing me hurt. But, did they really know my pain? Had anyone around me lived it?

Well, people around me had their own experiences with pain, as we all do, but nobody had miscarried. Nobody knew of the yearning I had to hold my baby, see my baby, and love my baby. The baby that was never to be.

Many years and one divorce later, I wrote a small ebook on miscarriage and the steps I took toward healing. Something inside nagged at me night and day- almost telling me it was time to turn my adversity and pain into something positive- for others and for myself.

It worked. I was overwhelmed by the response my little ebook received. Women everywhere were downloading the book and writing to my publisher, thanking her for giving them something which validated their grief.

I knew miscarriage awareness must continue, and I had to be a part of it. I was giving to women what I longed for after my miscarriage- someone to tell me I wasn't crazy for feeling as I did and crying months, even years after my miscarriage. I was also providing hope in reassuring women who miscarried that their days would not always remain as bleak- there was light to be found in the form of healing.

Several years after my ebook was published, I wrote a full length paperback of the same name, I Never Held You. This time, I was blessed to have the assistance of Dr. Linda Backman, licensed Psychologist and Grief Counselor. She wrote a beautiful foreword and several contributing chapters in the beginning of the book. Her words of comfort and reassurance provide women everywhere with a hand to hold as they embark upon the road of grieving after miscarriage. One of Dr. Backman's specialties is grief, and she doesn't just talk the talk. She's walked the walk after losing her son Adam. She gave birth to him at 26 weeks, and after living for only an hour on this earth, he crossed over, or passed away. Dr. Backman has lived through the pain of losing a baby, and her life was forever changed, just as mine was.

It is critical that women are treated with the respect and dignity they deserve after a miscarriage. I will never forget being in the hospital the day I noticed a bit of blood, or spotting. My husband, (at the time), was away. I called my sister and the next thing I knew, I was lying on a cold, sterile table staring at a screen. Through my tears I heard the words which left a stamp upon my heart: Your baby is no longer viable.

Viable? What? What are you talking about? I wanted to scream, run, get out of there. I knew what the doctor was saying, yet I couldn't believe it was happening to me. This couldn't be my life!

But, it was my life. A life with a baby in my womb who had died. A baby I had plans, wishes, hopes and dreams for. A baby I couldn't wait to see, hold, touch and love.

After choosing a D&C as the doctor advised, my feet were planted upon a road I didn't want to be on. However, had they not been planted on that road, I wouldn't be where I am today.

I made a promise to myself, and more importantly, to God that I'd do all I could to ensure no woman ever felt as alone as I did after miscarriage. I knew over one million women in the United States alone suffer at least one miscarriage per year. If those numbers aren't high enough, think about what they must be world wide?

I am no hero. I am no saint. I am simply a woman who lived through the pain of miscarriage and will do everything she can to make sure other women do not have their miscarriage, and subsequent feelings, dismissed. More miscarriage awareness within the medical community, and throughout society in general, will enable people to better understand what a woman is living after miscarriage. The more understanding, the more support.

Plain and simple.

To all of you who have suffered a miscarriage, or sadly more than one, my heart goes out to you and you're in my thoughts and prayers. And, in case you haven't heard these words before, pertaining to your miscarriage: I am so sorry for your loss.

Blessings, Love and Light to you,
Ellen