How to Spot a Tourist in Koh Samui Thailand Tourist spotting has become somewhat of an international pastime and is in no way unique to Thailand. From the stereotypical japanese tourist who cannot see anything without a camera to the boisterous north american travelling to the sunny southern climates for the first time and wearing bermuda shorts with knee high black socks and sandals, poking fun of the tourist can be a fun and entertaining way to pass the time while waiting for your next transport connection.
If you happen to live in one of the worlds exotic tourist destinations like Koh Samui Thailand, then chances are you will take as many measures as necessary in order to clearly separate yourself from the aforementioned tourists being made fun of. Before you can truly and distinctly separate yourself from the tourist crowds though, you need to be able to recognize them yourself.
Koh Samui Thailand is an exotic tropical island destination first and foremost, so holiday-makers here tend to exhibit certain qualities not found in those who brave the colder northern climates however there are certain traits that are common to all travellers, some of which I will highlight here...
1) When in doubt, RAISE YOUR VOICE
We've all seen them. we cringe, we turn our heads, look at the floor or find innumerable other ways to avoid this person. This, in particular, makes it tremendously fun to poke fun of them as soon as they leave the room. WHAT?!
2) Motorbike Madness
What is it about getting onto a 100cc motorbike on a small tropical island that makes everyone smile? Is it the half-dozen buckets of Sang Som consumed prior to revving up? Could it be a protein deficiency whereby the rider intends to strain various insects through his teeth? Here in Thailand it is more likely the young man is smiling because every time he slows down below 15kph another young Thai lady tries to get on the bike with him. Whatever the case may be, it is very important to note that locals do not smile when riding motorbikes.
3) Maps do NOT have eyes
As if the backpack on the back and the backpack on the front along with the duffel bag over the shoulder and carrying a laptop case weren't enough, this one is too easy to spot, and therefore a bit too easy to make fun of. Locals would never ask for directions anywhere and they certainly wouldn't be caught dead with a map. It's just a bit ironic that they are looking for something that they will never see due to the fact that they are walking down the street with a map plastered to their face.
4) Tourists are timid
Criminals have known for a very long time that timid people and those who walk with their heads down are easy pickings. Locals must have learned this quickly after arrival and therefore make it a point to walk quickly and with chin(s) up. Tourists are very easy to spot as their timidity lends an unapproachable air that locals try and avoid. Tourists do tend to be a bit less shy after asking locals for directions to the beach and finding they have been directed to a local massage parlor.
5) Developing Nations do have toast
As bizarre as it may seem, quite a few less than well travelled travellers are under the impression that leaving their countries of origin means leaving their comfort foods as well. Thailand does in fact have toast and many other comfort foods like orange juice, coffee and amazingly enough, ice cream. You don't even have to raise your voice to get it.
6) Distances are not what they appear
Tourists carry maps. This is well documented. Tourists cannot read maps. This also has been well documented. Koh Samui is surrounded by at least 50 other smaller islands, sometimes more, sometimes less it depends a bit on the tides. It becomes very easy to spot the tourists (as if the map wasn't enough) when they are standing at the pier, looking at the map followed by a glance over to Koh Phangan, another look at the map followed by another look at Koh Phangan, rinse and repeat. No matter how many times they look at the map or the neighboring island, they cannot seem to put two and two together and realize that the island they are looking at across the water IS in fact the island on the map. The only way to get them to stop looking and start moving is by telling them that they can get on the ferry just down the street...in back of the massage parlor.
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Contributor's Note
The author has lived on several different tropical islands around the world and can be spotted rather easily, he's the quiet one walking confidently without a map.
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